unicorns are retarded

2009-09-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

k. well it's been a long time. lotsa stuff going on. should be documenting it right? i will...i will.
just not now.

2009-05-11T16:23:00.001-07:00

2007-10-01T15:49:00.001-07:00

so.
apparently i am stressed out.
my body tells me this by not being able to process caffeine and alcohol.
both of these substances create a lovely sense of panic.

so i have replaced those things with sewing.
(made a purse...a skirt...and other crap.)

and planning trips.
trips make me happy.
especially when said trips take me to people i love.
my shane...my most lovely friend shane.
he has moved to columbus, which from the description, sounds similar to austin.
thats good on 2 levels...(1)i am going to a new cool place and (2) while i am going to ohio, it IS NOT cincinnati. yay.

then off to florida for the giving of thanks.
i like those people...my dad, his wife, and my sis.
they are good people.
they love me and tell me and are nice to me.
things that i need right now.
i mean, i guess i always need that.

my mom and i havent really had a civil conversation since last thanksgiving.
maybe we should do that soon.
or maybe not.
maybe i will just keep talking to people that like me.
and tell me so. and are nice to me.

sounds so simple...

2007-08-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

well.
alright its been quite sometime.
things are.....
well....
fantastic?
phenomenal?
unbelievably wonderful?
yep. all the above.
they are.
i am stupid lucky.
i own five fucking dogs.
fuck.
robocop is the newest member.

and there is a business on the horizon.
watch the fuck out austin.
we are going to kick your awesomeness into a whole new awesome level.

of course the boy is inexplicably amazing.
a.maz.ing.

so yeah. pics are needed.
of robocop.
and my not so new red door.

ps: i am not buying anymore powdered parmesan-there is a shredder that comes with a block of parm in it. suh-weet.

2007-04-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

i have this thing with red doors.
i dont know what it is, but i looove red doors.
we can drive by a dump, but show me that red door, and i am in love.
last night, he comes home.
he asks me if i got the package on the front porch.
and i say no! wtf, why didnt he TELL me there was a package on the front porch?
he knows how much i love gettting packages, on the front porch or otherwise.
i go out to the front porch, i dont see anything! its dark, i need to turn the porch light on...
with the light assisting me, i look for the package, but its no where to be seen.
i turn to exclaim our ghetto neighbors STOLE my package!
but i turn only to be faced with a gorgeous beaming red door!
and a gorgeous beaming boy.
damn.
hes good.
i sobbed like a retard, b/c my body apparently freaks out and doesnt know how to handle sweet gestures.
i hugged the door.
i love the door.
oh, he got some love too.

i want to sleep on the porch from now on.

2007-03-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

some days just call for kicking peoples faces.

and not just their faces.
but their anus'.
and shins.
and necks.

i am deaf in one ear. have been sice jr. sr. at sxsw.
i have been dizzy and nauseous b/c of this-equilibrium thing.
i dont know, talk to science about the details.
anyway, not in a great mood.
and maybe i talk a little louder b/c of this.

and so the man on the phone that is useless cannot tell me to keep my voice down.
well, he can.
but then i will hang up on him and call his boss and rat him out for the wad of dick that he is.
i will also shoot his cat.
in pretend world anyway.
and the cat won't like it one bit.
he hates it.
and then he whimpers to his penis leach of an owner and meows oh so pitifully.
and then the jerk will kick the cat.
b/c thats what guys like him do.

god i hate him more.

2007-03-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

AHA!
get it?
the cool kids do.
and some of the nerds do too.

2007-02-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

i am a super hero.
a soft warm lovable dyslexic super hero.
i am off to save the day!
beware dog kickers!
beware jerk wads!
beware snotty fake tanned wanna be la girls with your stupid fake smiles and your high pitched giggles...
okay, the last one is a bit personal.
but i have only had caffeine and midol today.

2007-02-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

so i have been sick.
like hacking horse cough sick.
i am now on antibiotics until valentines day.
that sucks.
no drinky drink on the day of romantic consensual groping?
boo.
consensual has sensual in it.
so, on tuesdays i get together with girls and paint and cut and glue and make things pretty.
well thats the point anyway.
and we drink wine (well, not me. for 10 days) and talk and inspire one another.
i like it.
i hope to keep this up.
its a good habit.
i finished an octopus card.

2007-01-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

i make stuff.
i want to put it here.
unicarded

2007-01-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

2007-01-03T19:25:00.000-08:00

i have only recently (past 3 years or so) started reading for recreational purposes.
what?
i did.
don't judge me.
anyway.
no matter what i read, it makes me feel smarter.
why is that?
even though i mostly read shallow and humorous books (ie augusten burroughs, david sedaris).
nothing too deep.
kinda like me.
but the fact that i lie in bed next to my boyfriend at night--both of us silently engrossed in someone elses words...it feels so smart.
intellectual.
like in love story.
or like i am in a woody allen movie.
its kinda hot.
in a smart nerdy been married for 20 years kinda way.
all we need are bifocals and we would just reek of dirty hot sex.
sick thing is, i am TOTALLY serious.

2006-12-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

the holidays were cool.
and by cool i mean my mom visited for thanksgiving and we pretty much havent spoken since.
which made for a nice christmas. really. she stresses me out, so not being on speaking terms kinda took the load off and i enjoyed myself.
does that make me a bad person? i am going to go with no, its pretty convenient for me to believe that.
again, christmas was lovely. i got things that i really wanted.

(a peacock duvet matt and i saw on an art walk months ago...he is damn good.)
and others that i didnt even know i wanted.
matts mom and sis picked out jewelry for me, which is quite brave of them. when my mom used to shop for me, she told me she would pick out the ugliest thing she saw, and it would be my favorite present. maybe thats what they did too, b/c i am in love with what they got me.

(a crazy gorgeous necklace and a watch made out of copper colored safety pins)
after xmas has just been doing alot of nothing. which i have had no time to do lately. theres always alot of somethings, not enough nothings. i havent had to work all week, so we have done alot of shopping for bowling balls.

and chairs.

(a hell of deal at a thrift store, couldnt pass it up...even though we didnt need it at all)

(a new chair for my work station...it was damn hard to find one tall enough and not absofuckinglutely hideous)

and i have hung out on myspace way too much.
i have found old friends and some relatives too.
both of which i dont know what the hell to say to them past the polite 'how've ya been' bullshit.
after the novelty of 'holy shit, i cant believe i found you' wears off, you remember why you lost touch in the first place.
its fun to feel like a detective i guess.
well, i am off to watch my 10th movie in 48 hours. b/c i can.
and as for new years resolutions...um. i am going to pet my dogs more, hold myself back for the 'contact me' button on myspace, and take more pictures of matt--he's cute...there should be photographic evidence of this.

2006-11-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

mmm...create.ok.
i will try that.

2006-10-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

2 years ago on september 25th me and my girlfriends went to a bar.
It was a Saturday night and it was busy.
We wanted to sit, but tables being in high demand, this was proving to be nearly impossible.
But I spotted a HUGE booth, with only 2 guys.
One of those guys in particular was quite attractive.
So it was a win win situation when I asked if we could share the booth and the answer was yes.
We sat and immediately the blonde boy and I bantered.
I told him my name was linda.
Linda? I don't know. All I know is you don't meet boys in bars, so why tell him my real name?
Well, blondie was a charmer...an actor perhaps? Wouldn't be surprised...so many in that damn town...but he seemed too genuine.
So turns out no, he was not an actor...shoo!
He was an esl teacher on his way out of the country next month.
Awesome, just my type.
Unavailable.
So I gave him my number and had to explain that linda was not my name.
Long story short, we hung out the next night, and I knew he was 'it'. I was done. That night I knew that I had never been in love before meeting him.
Now it wasn't that easy...there was long distance calling for months...and a reluctant move back to the town he hated, to see about 'us'.
But we did it.
And here we are together, happy, new town, new house, and new dogs.
But again most importantly, together.
Damn, I am lucky.

2006-09-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

so when i resided and worked on the coast of the west, i had this neat thing called 'health insurance'.
i never knew the grandness of this until recently i have found myself without.
i now go to planned parenthood to avoid my belly being full of baby or wrenching painful cramps.
and even worse, i have sought out illegal ativan (anti anxiety meds).
ativan unfortunately has become a semi-necessity in my life since certain occurances and even more unfortunate is the need of a prescription.
and since the lack of insurance means going to a doctor would be pricey, i decided i would trust the good old internet.
the beautiful loopholes of the internet are not lost on me.
thank you.
and you too india-i appreciate your trust in me to self diagnose.
i think.

2006-08-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

i am gonna see it.
b/c my movie theatres sell beer.
that is why.
snakes.
on.
a.
mother.
fuckin'.
plane.
seriously.
are tickets on sale yet?
am i weird to think it will be so sold out?
what.
ever.
awesome.
ness.

2006-08-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

still day two: "are we there yet?"

why yes we are.

surprise #1: champagne and flowers. a welcome home gift from a thoughtful friend.

suprise #2: a giant birthday gift from same thoughtful friend. how did he know i wanted a 20ft red arrow? he must be a mind reader.

"watch out for the bats!" this is us at our first austin-y thing--there are alot of bats under a bridge and at sunset they fly out. yes this is a thing.

so there you have it. we made it. finally.
we liked it so much, we did another road trip to la last week.
yep, we are suckers.

2006-08-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

day 2: and the second day started with a big fat happy birthday to me. that is me almost puking from the sweetness. or maybe it was the comforter.

and back on the road we go. walter learned to be very tolerant of truck due to the small quarters. but we were both quite jealous that truck was the only one who could stretch his legs anytime during the trip.

here we decided to take a break and play 'i will show you mine if you show me yours' with our pics of the trip thus far.

alot of my pics looked like this.

and the view from another texas bound car looked like this.

to be continued...

2006-08-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

for those of you that didn't have a love affair with interstate 10 recently, here is an example of what it may have looked like if you drove from la to austin with four doggies.

day 1: and our journey began to the texas. truck parked himself in my lap immediately. (pathetic pun intended.) and when i would attempt to move him he gave me the best puppy dog eyes. somehow he is a pro.

byebye california. we never liked you that much anyway.

walter must've taken this unposed candid snap shot of me. oh, he is so photo happy on a roadtrip. he may have a little akita in him.

the sign that littered our whole journey. i took a million pics of this, but considering there is fuck all along the way, they all looked the same.

the road lies ahead. a shitload of road. my butt still hurts.

to be continued...

2006-08-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

i live in austin.
this is true.
but i dont know if i have fully been able to relax and take it in.
i dont have a job (crossing fingers toes and genitalia that this will change tomorrow-i bought a suit for fuck sake).
which makes it hard for me to let myself spend too much money on going out.
i can drink myself silly in the comforts of my new home.
on my new couch.
or eat cheap at my new dining table.
watch a netflix movie on my tv that sits atop my new (1940's radio converted) tv stand.
and then pass out in my new bed.
do laundry with my very own washer and dryer.
and then put them away in my new dresser.
i of course havent technically spent any money--this is all on credit.
on my visa, my mastercard, and my mattcard (where interest can be paid in blowjobs).
and while we have all of these 'new' things, we havent gone to nice pretty shiny stores.
we have peoples old shit.
whether they tossed it in the garbage (big trash day!), given to thrift stores, or posted on craigslist (god love the list of craig!) we have accquired some gently loved items but also some furniture that was in very abusive/neglectful relationships.
home depot and wood markers have been my bestest friends since i have moved to tay-haas.

wow. i need to get a life before i start talking about our new hose holder...no that isnt as hot as it sounds.

2006-07-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

i dont miss la, but i do miss a paycheck.
i need one of those soon.

but goddam the sex is good in texas, i will tell you that.
hmmmm.
i am in austin.
i sit here while i wear short shorts, pigtails, and little red boots.
i would never don this outfit if it werent for all the texasness that surrounds me.
by texasness i mean fuckity fuck it is as hot as the devils balls in this state.
i have been spoiled by la.
dear la, the valley is the arctic compared to this shit, seriously.

so, we drove here.
it took 2 days, 2 cars, 2 walkie talkies (popozao*), and 4 dogs.
those two days happened to be the fourth of july and the fifth of july.
the fifth means nothing to most people.
but it was my 28th bday.
the fourth we were in some generic hotel in new mexico.
i jumped in the shower and matt went to walmart.
he came back with cheese, triscuits, a six pack of shiner, and some fireworks (holy shopping list-god bless the walmart).
it was raining.
so we drank and watched a superman special on the history channel.
at midnight matt surprised me with walmart cheesecake and a beautiful rendition of the song they sing you when you were born on said day.
the next morning we packed up.
and i saw a gift and card on the cheap veneer hotel table.
the card made me cry.
the gift made me freakin' sob until i almost barfed.
it was so sweet.
we pulled into our new home around 10pm that night.
just in time to meet a group of visiting la folks for some bday drinking.
since then, i have been to home depot enough times that i can keep up a conversation with anyones dad and/or grandfather forever.
i dont like feeling domestic.
that is why i still havent unpacked.
matt is perfect.
he is unpacked and whizzing about with the energy of that annoying kid in second grade.
maybe i am jealous.

i dont like texas.
but i do like austin.
they have movie theatres that serve beer.
wow.

*the beloved ballad by mr. kfed and me and matts sign off for our walkie talkies during the trip.

2006-07-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

bye bye la.
i was so impressed with the turnout of our going away party.
that is always a weird thing.
it makes you wonder why you are moving.
i ended the evening by lifting my dress countless times.
showing my cute ruffley panties.
and sqealing 'woooo'.
i ususally dont wear panties.

i woke up the next day and i felt like someone said bye really hard with their fist against my head.
countless times. against my head. again and again.
but i saw everyone i deeply cared about.
i wouldnt have changed a thing.
'woooooo'.
here we come austin.
you better be shaking in yer boots.

2006-06-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

using my mind controlling super powers* friday afternoon, i willed my employers to give me 2 weeks paid vacation that i didnt have.
plus pay me for the vacation time i do have.

i love my super powers.*
they rule.

now my whole 'taking over the world' plan may commence.

i will start by sleeping in, going to the beach, drinking in the middle of the day, playing with small/medium sized doggies that may or may not reside in my home, and taunting the employed.

oh, evil plan, you are pure sugar covered, orgasm inducing joy.

*3 very strong margaritas for lunch.

2006-06-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

we are keeping that dog.
there was a short stint of, 'four dogs? wtf are we thinking??'
then we quickly reverted back to 'oh 4 dogs aren't so many, we can do it!'
yeah.
alot of people think we are retarded.
those people are dead to me.
we named him truck.
he has the cutest little fuzzy dog balls ever.
i tickle them sometimes.
matt thinks i am a gross dog perv.
but next week, his little fuzzy furry balls of joy will be lopped off.
so i will tickle until there is nothing left to be tickled.
b/c thats the way i roll.

2006-06-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

pet peeves:

1. when someone says something obvious and follows it with 'if you know what i am saying'...example: 'he is getting alot of ass---if you know what i am saying'.

2. when people have online diaries/blogs and lock them. wtf? why do you have one online??? send out a freaking email to the sacred people that have your password--stop taking up precious internet space.

3. when new age hippy type superior ass fucks talk about how they only eat organic/vegetarian foods and won't take aspirin or cough syrup b/c it isn't natural or good for their bodies...but then they take a hit of ecstacy.

i sound angry. i wonder if i am in a bad mood. maybe it is the non organic aspirin talking.

2006-06-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

mommy, look what followed me home!
can we keep him...huh huh...can we keep him?
please!!!??? pretty please!!!???

(by followed me home i mean, matt bought him from some skanky shady character on the corner. can we really have 4 dogs? we want to name him 'the'. short for 'the jackal'.)

2006-06-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

guess who is photo happy today?
guess who is going to live in this house very soon?
with her gorgeous mustached man, 3 perfect pups, and a bunch of shit that she can't believe she has accumulated during her very short stint as an 'adult'?

here is a hint:
her initials are m and e.

one last question.
who's back is that?
and does it come with the house?
oh, sorry, i guess that is two questions.

2006-06-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

and why is a 14yr old bending down to take a pic with me?
that is right, b/c she is my big little sister.

2006-06-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

ask and you shall receive.
or maybe he just got lazy with the razor.
but either way i gots me some eugene hutz inspired shit up in hee-ya.

2006-06-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

the very short 'why i will miss la' list:
1. good sushi
2. melrose trading post
3. being a short car trip away from water skiing AND snow skiing (not that i do either of those often or at all--but still, it is a nice thought)
4. great sushi
5. ...stay tuned...

**25 days and counting**

2006-06-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

reason #237 for loving my sleeve:
the best blemish cover up EVER!

2006-05-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

and so he returned--with a cowboy hat in the place of the pompom beanie.
he also came back with a house.
and alot of smiles and reassurance and animated story telling.
austin gave him hope, but he warned i need to be there for him this month, as l.a. sucks the hope right back out of him.
holy moly crapoly.
screw august, we are on the road on the 1st of july.
arriving just in time for me and america's bday.
wow, my 1st bday on 6th street...although not my last, for sure.
speaking of drunks, on thursday matt and i are going to florida to see my dad.
and my unvirgin sister.
alot of humidity is in my future.

2006-05-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

and this morning at 5:15 in the a(wful).m. he kissed me goodbye...
dressed like a 16 year old boy (beanie with a pompom, a thermal over a collared shirt, and cargo shorts)he left and boarded a flight to go do grown up house stuff.

holy craps.
i cannot stand it.

i am already furniture shopping.
in austin of course.
i. heart. craigslist.

dear august,
where are you?
have you always been this far away?
love,
b

2006-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

the house i am house/dogsitting at is 75% stairs.
is that a good thing?
in the stair house there are 3 dogs.
then there are my 3 dogs.
6 dogs.
holy craps.
this morning could have been better.
matt would have liked to sleep a little longer i am sure.
but there was urine. there was poo.
and apparently dog skid marks.
dogs dont wear underwear as i am sure you know.
so the white carpet was victim to an itchy poopy butt being dragged acrossed it.
these dogs are usually quite good about not going in the house.
i am going to blame it on all the damned stairs.
too many stairs to the doggie door.
and in unrelated undoggie unpoopy news, i am moving to austin.
in august.
awesome.
austin. august. awesome.

2006-04-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

i am not going to say a word.
nope.
i am going to wait.
for 2 weeks, i will wait patiently.
by patiently i mean i will be watching each second pass not fast enough.
tick.tick.tick.tick.
fuck.

2006-04-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

i went to the dentist this morning.
most of the afternoon was spent drooling on myself and sounding way too much like cindy brady.
'theriothly guyth my whole fucking fathe ith numb, thtop laughing at me ath-holeth!'

2006-04-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

so...imagine a girl.
she drenches her bosom with lotsa water.
apparently boys like this.
this is hot.
now replace the water with freshly poured coffee.
not that is hot.
really hot.
no. really.
ouch.
my bra smells like starbucks.

2006-04-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

i have large boobies and tearducts.
if it weren't for these 2 (actually 4) attributes, i am sure i would have to be much nicer.
thank you boobies and tearducts.

2006-04-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

i am not going to write about my sex life.
nope.
i am not going to write about how having 2 new pups may be ruining said sex life.
uh uh.
i just want to know how the reproducing types actually continue to reproduce after the first success.
b/c these guys are work. and they will never even talk or need to go to college.
im.freaking.possible.

2006-04-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

can one be so manipulative that they are able to manipulate themselves into believing that they are not manipulative?
i think i may do this.
wait, no i don't.

2006-04-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

can you stand it???

i am jealous of me.

2006-04-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

what is better than sushi, you ask?
free sushi, i say.
oh, and seeing a smokin' hot ex and thinking...
'nannynannybooboo, my bf is hotter than yoo-oo.'
and his penis isn't crooked.

2006-04-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

when you are on your boyfriends computer looking for a flattering picture of yourself for your myspace (you lame hipster), whatever you do--DON'T, i repeat with emphasis, DO NOT click on that instant message that is saved in his pictures folder named 'friends'.

because it just might be him im'ing that one girl that you met that one time...yeah, you know the one, your boyfriend slept with her, just that one time-before he met you of course...and you are like, 'her, really? oh, dear bf were you depressed? or recuperating from the eye surgery?'
okay, but the girl, she may not have clothes on in this paticular saved im/picture exchange...and your bf is telling her how sexy she is...

you may want to scrape that part of your brain that has stored these images...and binge drink.
so just save yourself---your brain and your liver, too.

DO NOT CLICK.

2006-04-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

i think my new fave word is scrot.
short for scrotum.
2 syllables are way too many for me.
i am a girl on the go.
if i had a nickel for everytime that extra syllable has cost me a nickel...
i would have a--um (math---it cost me a nickel-so that makes me negative a nickel--but then i get a nickel for everytime this happens--so that makes--oo oo oo, i know)
a nickel.
but not a nickel profit, mind you.
i would just come out even.
scrot really isnt that lucrative is it?

nickel is a weird looking word.

2006-03-30T11:11:00.000-08:00

all of these years i was sure i was (mostly) hetero and not a pedophile.
last night i was punched in the face and shanked in the lung by truth.
my boyfriend is not a 32 year old man, nope.
he is in fact a 13 year old girl.
the truth came out last night when i was dragged to a rhett miller show by him.
looking around the room, i met eyes with the many boyfriends that were in my same tortured state.
we were all armed with our friend beer to ease our pain.
the music is sappy sweet one moment, nauseously predictable the next, and finally poppy and forgetable just to bring it all together.
but looking at the boyfriend smiling and bouncing and squealing and singing along, although made me a little ill, gave me endless joy.
i feel dirty.

2006-03-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
but i think it should include lots of money.
maybe a tractor.
some sushi.
a monkey.
lots of tutus.
and some puppies.
oh and cool whip icing.
yeah. that works.

2006-03-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

tell my boyfriend he must grow a mustache.
he won't listen to me.

2006-03-28T12:08:00.000-08:00

it is raining in l.a.
i bite my lip and pick at my adult acne.
my boyfriend slaps my hand when i do the latter.
i just found out my little sister is having sex.
she is 13.
i was 14.
she wins.
she has been doing 'it' since she was 12.
she wins even more.
by 'wins' i mean 'i hope she doesn't get herpes. or a baby.'
i used to have a diary on a diaryland.com
now i have a blog.
it sounds less retarded.
actually it doesn't---say BLOG.
yeah, sounds retarded.
anyway, no more diary. i have joined the new millennium.